Here you go! This is the second part of Faulty Reasons to Engage in a Relationship. We’ll continue discussing the different reasons people use to justify the existence of a relationship. There are a lot of reasons yet there is only one that would make a relationship last. Why? Simply because all these reasons that you want to be the foundation of your relationship will never promise forever. All these perish in time, and when they fade, your commitment loses its grip. Thus, in engaging in a relationship, one must not commit only for…
- A challenge
You met a snob and the most arrogant man alive, a player whose reputation precedes him, a heartthrob engaged to a not-so-good-looking girl or a nerd who is not interested in any woman—there goes the challenge. And to feed your ego whether you can make that person fall for you, you accepted a challenge without anyone daring you.
How exciting is it that you can take control of people’s feelings? That may be exciting at first, but it will never be a commitment that would last. When the other party falls, that marks the finish line. Then all things will get boring for you and that ends everything. There’s the challenge, yet nobody wins.
- A trophy
Ever wonder why more pretty women gets a hard time looking for the right guy? Simply because wrong men look for trophies—that girl that they can brag about in front of their friends. That girl who has almost all the qualities that a man can be proud of. You are pretty, slim, witty, sweet, sensitive and most of all, popular—in a teenage context. You are beautiful, sexy, smart, sweet, sensitive and most of all, financially independent—in a young adult context. You get all men looking towards your direction when you walk along the corridor. But how come you ended up with a jerk, who cheated on you for the nth time? Ask yourself how you took your pick among all who wanted to be your man. It is more difficult for the ‘almost perfect girl’ to see who is sincere and who is just looking for the trophy you can be. The ‘not-so-perfect’ girl gets a good guy with less sweat because from the very beginning, these men are already aware of what they lack and they love them still. I will no longer ask why it is faulty, ‘cause that is so given. Rather,
How would you check sincerity?
Test them. Make them wait. A man who wants you to be their girl would wait, while a man who wants a trophy, when asked to sacrifice a lot of their time and patience most likely would look for other trophies that they can easily grab.
People love to collect. They find pride in their accomplishment of coming up with a collection worthy of praise that would make other collectors drool over. They take pride when people are in awe of their set of trophies, whether that be academic achievements, toys, decorations, cartoon characters, action figures, shoes, bags, jewelry, houses, cars and other material things that people love to hoard. There are those who collect more than what material things can offer—emotions. This lead to a collection of partners when people began partner-hopping whether at the same time or one after the other. With the same sense of collecting material things, these people find pride in bragging the number of partners they fooled, the number of virgins they had, the number of men or women who cry and beg for them to stay, just to boost their ego.
Because you should never play with people’s emotions. Do I need to elaborate? I don’t think so. Finding satisfaction in this thing reveals your self-centeredness. Learn empathy. Learn the golden rule. Believe in karma. Be humane. One day, you wouldn’t want their frustrations and heartbreak yours to bear. Learn to care.
Let’s face it. A lot of people now see benefits as primary characteristics why they would engage in a relationship. Sadly, there are people who see relationships as trading opportunities. There are those who want material things in exchange of themselves whether that be companionship, pleasure, popularity or even sex.
These business men or women appear in the form of prostitutes. Yes, prostitutes. Prostitution is defined as the exchange of oneself for material things. So, if you are keeping your partner because s/he provides the best gifts that you want every month, or you stay in the relationship for the free ride in his sports car every day, or you get ‘favors’ and certain ‘things’ for free from him/her, or you simply wanted that free concert, movie or game ticket that s/he can give you, then, without doubt, you are a prostitute. A sincere relationship exists regardless of what the partner can offer aside from emotional fulfillment and support. It should not be founded on what you can get out of the relationship but on what both of you can give.
Some people who lack self-esteem, self-confidence, self-motivation, self-discipline and all things about themselves engage in a relationship, trying to find the person who can fix them. They look for ‘the one’ who will eventually make them change into a better individual that almost everyone had been trying to help them realize.
We can never ask other people to fix our emotional baggage, our problems, our inferiority complex, or our life. Always, only we can deal with these problems because we know ourselves more. It’s just a matter of stopping for awhile and reflecting on everything that you are going through. Stop, step back, and see things in a better and objective perspective. Accept that the problems come from within and you need fixing. And only you have the tools. Some would say that other people fix us. No, they don’t. They just help you realize what’s wrong and what you have to do. You can do these things on your own. It’s just a game of accepting your imperfections and fixing them.
- A rebound
Sadly, many women play the rebound. Why? Because women know that a man’s weakness is when they are emotionally fragile. Although there are men who also do this. Have you tried giving your shoulder for him to cry on when he and his girl had a fight, while you are not even the best friend? What about trying to give advice about a relationship on the rocks, which would eventually lead to your conclusion that they should just break up? Maybe telling him that there are a lot of better girls around, then crack a half-meant joke that that could be you? Well if you do, you’re trying for a rebound.
Because rebounding is never an ideal start of a relationship, because it sets aside the emotional need of a person to move on before dealing with another one. Everyone should learn to make time to reflect, assess, accept, and forgive everything that resulted to a relationship’s end. This would liberate a person from emotional baggage that one may bring into the next relationship if unpacked. So what if you rebound for a person with emotional baggage? You would need to be the solution to a pain that you didn’t cause in the first place. It’s like fixing somebody else’s mess. If you’re ok with that, go on, give it a shot. But I can’t assure you that you can make that person heal. Why? Because the only person who can end the pain is the one who inflicted it.
- Moving on
More and more teenagers believe that the only way to know that you have moved on is to replace the previous partner. Wrong.
A new relationship will only divert your attention to a new beginning, leaving the wound of unsettled business open. The wound may no longer be in the limelight but its emotional effect on you and your current relationship would be evident. Your frustrations in the previous relationship will transfer to the current and eventually, that would frustrate your partner. Why? Because it is not his/her fault that you carry these trust issues or built that emotional wall. It is the result of a previous relationship that is unsettled, hanging and still aching because you simply covered it with all the flirting and butterflies of your current one. Moving on is acceptance of both parties’ faults and why the situation called for a break up. Always, it takes two to tango. You can never claim that you are without fault. Accept your fault, say sorry, accept his/her apology, and accept the situation. You were not meant to be together because there are more things in a relationship than hearts and hugs. You can’t also force yourself to move on right away. After acceptance, give yourself time. Evaluate yourself so you would be a better person and a better partner next time you jump into a relationship. Why spend time being single? Because time heals. There is no shortcut to healing because it is a process. You have to learn to love being single first, before you can love a commitment. Because if you can’t love solitude, you would live depending on the companionship of others. What’s wrong with that? You would make other people the pillars of your existence, thus making them the center piece of your life. So if they leave, your world shatters, nothing would be left to you. And remember, clingy partners are a total turn off.
- A backup plan
You are so into this girl but she wouldn’t say yes. She’s waiting for that perfect time and perfect moment to be with you. Since you aren’t sure that she would say yes anytime sooner, you came up with a backup plan. You have this other girl who is so into you and willing to wait for eternity before you formally declare that you are into a relationship with her. If in case girl no. 1 would say no, you got girl no. 2 waiting. Sadly, even girls do these nowadays.
If you are really sincere with the person you want to be with, you should be willing to give that sacrifice and patience she deserves. Sincerity, when proven, will definitely give that edge to make that person say yes. If you find yourself using a backup plan, there is only one person you love, and that is yourself. Since you don’t want your most precious self to be at the losing end, you prepared a win-win situation for you. If you do this, don’t commit. You will eventually use that relationship to fulfill YOUR whims and all that YOU want for YOURSELF. Learn to think of others first before committing. The world is not all about you.
Commitment entails sincerity, emotional readiness, selflessness and the only reason to commit: that you want to spend your life with that person you are in a relationship with. If you have other reasons, drop it.
“Part two of Maxim’s Guest post”