“To those who think they are ready to engage in a relationship, here’s an article that might made you reflect before deciding.”
Are you in a relationship? Or are you planning to be in one? Get yourself checked first if you are ready with the right reasons. In engaging in a relationship, one must not commit only for…
- Realization of fairy tales
Everyone grew up knowing the fairytales that start with “Once upon a time…” and end with “…happily ever after.” These stories became our first idea of relationship and love. And whether we admit it or not, most of us haven’t outgrown this idea of a prince charming sweeping a princess off her feet, or a knight in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress.
We aim for an easy, naïve and perfect kind of relationship, which a real one can never meet as standard. Easy because the prince just drops by while the princess sleeps or marries her after she tried on a shoe. Naïve because they ended happily after the wedding when in fact there are more to love after marriage. Perfect because there are no quarrels, no individual differences to settle, no habits to get used to, no group of friends to adjust to, no in-laws to please, no stress from work and/or studies, no bills to pay, no dates to spend on, no future to save for, nothing but romance and passion, and wedding bells forever. When these fairytale standards aren’t met, we get disappointed, we get frustrated, and then we think it’s not love. Thus, a relationship ends. You won’t find in reality what you found in fantasy land.
- The need to belong
Have you ever found yourself pressured of getting into a relationship because almost all your friends are into one? Or you badly want a partner because your friends and people your age began marrying and getting kids? If you think you are being left out because you are single or you aren’t married yet, you need some fixing even before you jump into a commitment.
Getting a partner is never a trend. It is never a requirement. It is never set based on age groups and will never be a source of belongingness. If you want to belong, learn how to understand differing individuals and learn how to deal with them. Know what you really enjoy, and open yourself to people who has the same interests. Finding friends who are not there just to gossip, but those who enjoy things that also interests you is the best source of belongingness next to family. Find comfort in your home and with friends, because a partner is supposed to make your world a better place, and not build it for you.
All individuals would need to pass a human development stage where we try to indentify our personality. Often times, individuals resort to a patchwork personality, which is a patchwork of different qualities that we see from other people. Sadly, many people fail to overcome this stage and they couldn’t find what they really want and who they really are. Then they started looking for their personality from other people, specifically from a partner. They began embracing what their partner wants, eventually losing themselves, leaving them unhappy.
A partner should never complete you; instead, s/he should make your complete world better. If you feel the void in your being, getting a partner will never be a solution. You will simply demand for your partner to fill in what you lack, and if he fails to do so, both of you will be frustrated and that would kill the romance. A partner is not engineered to fit all what you long for because these longing are caused not by your partner, but the incomplete world that you have. Know yourself and complete the ‘you’ that is worth any partner before you jump into romance.
- Goodwill and Pity
There is this person who falls hopelessly in love with you. S/he is so good to you that you can’t risk hurting that person when you tell her/him that you don’t feel the same way. Since you are happy with yourself and not very much interested to find a partner, you resort to goodwill and entertain the person’s feelings. What if the right person comes along while you are at your charity work of loving this person? You might stay with your partner because of pity. You can’t bear hurting her/him.
Since you don’t have feelings for your partner, s/he would eventually find you effortless, insensitive and completely cold for a partner. This may or may not lead to a break up. If s/he doesn’t leave you, pity would make things harder for you. Motivation and enthusiasm to make a relationship work comes from both parties which would definitely fail if goodwill and pity are your reasons for staying. Tell the person the truth from the very beginning. Though the truth hurts, it would prevent false promises, wrong expectations, disappointments and getting stuck with your wrong choice.
- Relieving boredom
And so your life is filled with routines that burn you out. You want something exciting that would break the ice. A partner maybe? Definitely not. If you want excitement and you want to break routines, find a hobby that you would really enjoy. A person will never be a hobby. You will eventually drag your partner to your routines and break the romance.
If you are bored, your problem is with how you manage your life. All the activities you engage in, all the things that you need to attend to, everything is a product of your choice. So if you are stuck in a routine, only you can break that, not a partner. Choose to live by striking a balance between responsibilities and relaxation. There are things that we need to live with such as work, family duties, bills, etc., but that doesn’t mean you should not leave yourself a ‘me-time.’ Take on a hobby that would really help you relax.
This is the most common faulty reason why people tend to commit—they don’t want to be alone. This is even reflected among individuals who will never let go of an abusive relationship for that very reason. There are those who can’t last without a partner. They go partner-hopping for they wait for the next unfortunate individual to fall for while still in a relationship. Why? They wouldn’t want that time that they would be single.
Lonely people usually find being alone a misfortune. Emotionally healthy individuals find their time alone as time for thinking, serenity, reflection and understanding oneself. People who look for a partner for companionship are those who failed to develop their social connections. Friends should take this role, not partners. This is why there are ‘clingy’ partners. They can’t imagine themselves gracing an event, seizing the day without their partner. One must understand that a relationship does not mean people have to do things at the same time, at the same place, with the same manner. You are not conjoined twins. You are two individuals who have your own lives to lead. Be happy with your life before you look for a person whom you want to share this happiness with.
- Trial and error
People believe that experience is the best teacher. Then they resort to finding people whom they would want to try things even before they decide on finding the perfect partner for keeps. I don’t want to be sexist but mostly men do this. Why? Because their ‘macho’ image gets clearer when they had more girls, unlike with women. Together with this ‘macho’ image is the pressure that men ought to know a lot about relationships especially in bed. Nobody would mind if a woman is inexperienced, but chauvinist eyebrows would rise if a man is. So, men resort to experimentation stage and find their guinea pigs. Yes, you become guinea pigs if a person does not want you for any reason but ‘experiment.’
A relationship is not a practice play that would eventually help you become a better player. We learn how to deal with relationships as we mature and educate ourselves with the different kinds of people to deal with. Gaining knowledge on how people behave, how we can solve problems maturely and how to deal with different situations as a reponsible individual couldn’t be measured by the number of partners we had. We develop these naturally as we mature and see things in a better perspective even without a partner.
- Free sex
One friend told me once that you can no longer find a lot of men in night clubs now, for the reason that they can get sex for free when they have a girl. Sadly, there are jerks who think that way. This even gave birth to the concept of ‘one night stand’-no strings attached, just sex. Then it evolved to ‘friends with benefits’ when that ‘one night’ extends to more nights, still without strings attached. Worse, there are people who make their partners believe that they are in love just to keep their sexual life active.
Because a relationship isn’t just about your sexual needs. A woman who gives herself to keep a man is a whore, while that man is a jerk. It is wrong to believe that a man will stay because of sex. That is never a reality. Exchanging your body for somebody’s loyalty will never qualify as love. That is prostitution. A jerk will always take an opportunity like this. So a man who says no to you, most likely is a man who respects you. A man who keeps a woman by means of bed is good for nothing, while the woman, desperate. A man is not defined by sexuality alone. He is man because of his ability to give security, to love, to provide and all things that would make him a responsible partner. Sex is just one of the things he could do for you. So if he is good only in bed, do not expect more but a sex machine.
Have you found your reason in the list above? Don’t worry, there will be another set coming. Just remember that these faulty reasons may occur at the same time for a particular situation. Know yourself. Know your reason why you are willing to commit, for there is only one valid reason: You are willing to spend the rest of your life with that person.
“Here’s another great guest article by Maxim.”